Day 363/8

Day 8

8am- oatmeal
9:30 workout/20 oz. water
11:00 meatless chili and brown rice
12:30 banana
2:30 Cauliflower soup/4 brown rice crackers (soup does have cheese in it, but I was making it for tomorrow and had to taste it)
3:30 mini almond joy
6:30-7:30 6 ginger cookies
OK, so I blew it tonight. I didn't even want to post it, but I wanted to be honest.
I was really craving sweets today. I decided to have the almond joy because the Halloween candy has been staring at me all week. I caved. Then I baked cookies for tomorrow and I could not resist. I thought I would just have one and be o.k. NOPE, I had 6. You know you have to taste each batch to make sure they are good to serve to others. They are just amazing cookies and I couldn't help myself.
Hopefully that won't send me into a sugar spiral.

Day 361 and 362/day 6 and 7

Day 6
8 am - Oatmeal
11:40 - vege stir fry/brown rice (from Ghangis Grill)
Water
4:15 pm - Yogurt/string cheese (wanting a little protein)
7 pm - 3 oatmeal cookies
1/2 fruit leather
6-10 stood at concert
10:30 pm - slice vege pizza/water (we went out after concert to pizza place, this was the best I could do at the time. Not FS, but not too unhealthy)

Day 7

9 am - oatmeal
9:30 - 30 min cardio,1 hour yoga, 20 oz. water
12 pm - spinach,tomato,onion w/2 eggs
2-3:30 physical therapy
4 pm - yogurt/soynuts/apple
5 pm - meatless chili
5:45 - 2 oatmeal cookies
6:30 - 1 oatmeal cookie/Yogi detox tea ( I am really craving sweets right now. I am going for the cookies over the Halloween candy in the house!)

Day 360/day 5

8 am - Oatmeal
9 am - cardio boxing class
20 oz. water
11 am - 2 oatmeal cookies
12:15 pm - sm. bowl tomato zucchini soup/water
2:15 pm - salad with tomatoes and soy nuts/LF dressing
1 oatmeal cookie
5:00 pm - 2 oatmeal cookies
7:15 pm - 5 fried mushrooms, cup potato cheese soup
(ok, dinner I was bad, but I resisted the banana cream pie- my belly actually hurts a bit from the grease and high fat content.)

Day 359 /day 4

8 am - Oatmeal
9-10 Weights class
10-11 Yoga class
20 oz. water
11:00 - 2 Oatmeal cookies
Brown rice/tomato/spinach/onion
1:00 - yogurt/soynuts/pear
4:00 2 oatmeal cookies
5:00 meatless chili
corn on cob (dab butter/salt)
20 oz. water
7:00 yogurt/1 oatmeal cookie
7:30 Yogi detox tea

Day 358 and 357/day 2 and 3

Day 2

8 am - Oatmeal with Stevia
9:00 - Yoga class
11:00 - brown rice/zucchini/onions/tomato
1:00 - yogurt, banana
2-4:00 - physical therapy
5:00 pm - salad/tomato/soynuts/lowfat dressing
Water
7:00 - Banana/pear/grapes with Yogurt
Decaf spiced chai, splash milk

Day 3

8:00 am - Oatmeal with Stevia
9:15 - 40 min workout 20 oz. water
12:30 Salad/tomato/soynuts
3:15 - yogurt/banana 20 oz. water
5:30 - brown rice/tomato/onion/spinach
1/2 pear Water
7:30 - 4 oatmeal/apple cookies

I am feeling really good. My emotions are much better, I feel good about me right now.

Day 356/ day 1 again

8:00 am Oatmeal/Stevia
9:15 am 40 min workout
20 oz. water
10:40 am handful grapes
11:00 am Yogurt/handful soynuts
1:00 pm Grapes
Bowl homemade chicken soup (had some chicken and noodles in it, but couldn't throw it away, last of the pot)
20 oz. water
3:00 pm Banana
5:00 pm Brown Rice/Lentils Zucchini/tomato/onions (ate a little too much, but it was really good)
10 oz. water
7:00 pm Decaf spiced Chai tea/stevia/dash skim milk
Handful granola nut clusters (another cheat, but healthy)

When all else fails...start again!

Last post I started again, well, I failed again. So, I am starting again. Simple enough. Not really. It is torture to think of starting again. However, I cannot continue on my current path.
I am seriously asking for prayers and support and kicks in the rear if I need them. My eating is so tied to everything in my life. When the eating is out of control so are my emotions. I am irrational and depressed and moody and have "the crabbys" as we call it in our house. I don't want to be crabby any more.
I am going to start posting my eating again. That seems to help me keep accountable to myself and to all my imaginary friends out there.
So....we shall see what tomorrow brings!

Again and again

Looking back at my last post - a little over 2 months ago...I did phase one and lost 7 pounds. I think I have gained them back again. I am really frustrated with myself. I have gotten into really bad eating habits. So again, I start phase one to get myself under control. I think I am stress eating which is really bad. Life is a bit tough these days. I am living in continuous pain in my leg which I have been trying everything to get it better. I just wish someone would tell me what exactly is wrong with it. I have had many places on my skin removed which have been found to be "abnormal" cells. I am not doing so hot at being consistent with Julia's school. I haven't been able to work due to doctors appointments and physical therapy, which adds to our growing financial issues. So, I eat to deal with it! That is what I have always done to deal with my emotions. I'm tired of it.

July 30th is start over time!

I am writing tonight so there is no going back tomorrow. I am starting phase 1 again tomorrow. It is time. I have fell back into old ways and my eating in out of control. Not just amounts of food, but unhealthy choices.
Lorie decided she would come along on the ride with me. That makes it seem easier to go back to detox. We will both have to give up coffee which will be tough. I know we can do it. I know I need to do it.

Before and After

I haven't really had a good before and after picture. I found this one today. I hope you can tell the difference!

Is freedom ever going to come?

Freedom. What a loaded word. I feel like I have tasted it and it is good. That is my problem...I like to taste! I have come such a long way. I look at pictures and I can tell a difference. I look in the mirror and I don't see any difference. I look in my heart and I can tell a lot of difference. I know that doesn't add up. Even as I write it, it does not make logical sense. I guess to someone else who has unhealthy food issues it might. I struggle with wanting to overeat still. I guess that is a forever thing. I struggle with wanting to be thin - because thin means life is good right?!
How thin do I have to get before I feel that? I know that it is not a weight issue...it is a heart issue. So can someone please tell my brain that. I have such screwed up views on body image. I always have. Fears I had early on in life (like as far back as 7 years old) are due to weight issues. Enough is enough people!!! I am tired of it. I am tired of thinking about it. I would like to stomp on the person(s) who made this an issue for me. I know I continue to keep it. I guess some would say I just need to give it to God and let it go. hmmmmm. I think I have given it to God, time and time again. Not sure about the letting go part. How do you let go of something like that?
Don't get me wrong. I have come a LONG way. I am dealing with it constantly - in a healthy way. I just would like to know when I am actually going to start being ok with me where I am at. I still see the huge imperfections in myself. I still see the need to loose 10 more pounds. I also still seek food for comfort.
How is that for honest?
I long for the days in heaven when it will never be an issue again!!!!

A new me

I had a great day yesterday. I spent the day with a great friend and we had fun shopping and eating out! And we only had one child with us - hers. It was fun to get to do that, hard to remember what it is like to get to go out with a friend without kids!
Anyway, the purpose of my post...
I started phase 1 again. I am now on day 5. The caffeine issue was really tough for the first 3 days. I was in a horrible mood and my head was killing me. Yesterday I decided it wasn't worth it and had a small coffee in the morning. Man, I felt so much better all day.
It is crazy. I hate being a slave to the caffeine, but I don't like the crabby moods.
I also had a silly moment. I am glad I had someone to share it with. I have been on a quest to find a pair of shorts. The only problem with loosing weight is all of a sudden you have no clothes to wear. I have always had the problem on the other end of them being too tight. Well, they look just as bad hanging off of you.
So, we were in Old Navy and I tried on 2 pairs of shorts - size 8 and they were a little baggy.
I started to tear up in the store. For most of you, this will seem crazy and dumb. However, it was a great moment for me. I am not the person who was skinny her whole life then had kids and got fat. I have always been fat. (besides a brief time when I got married and lost a bunch of weight) I have always struggled. I have never liked my body and for as long as I can remember, been a size 12-14. So today when I was in a size 8 and they fit I just couldn't believe it.
I would have never dreamed in a million years I would be here. I was proud of my accomplishment. I haven't been proud of myself in a long time. Thanks God for that hug I so desperately needed yesterday - and the cup of Joe!

Not much new

Since I was scolded once again for not posting...here it is.
I really don't have anything new to report. I am trying to figure out what my plan is. I know that sounds silly to some, but I have abandoned most of my good eating habits and need a plan to get back in gear. It just seems hard right now. I know I can do it...I know I want to do it, it is just getting my rear in gear. I am not out to loose a bunch more weight, I just need to maintain where I am at. I refuse to let all my hard work go down the drain.
It was nice this week - I saw a friend who I had not seen in over 6 months. She was very surprised at the new me! It is great to be reminded that I have made a huge body change. I don't see it much anymore since I am now used to it. (and of course I still see the negatives)
I wish I had a great before and after picture. Someone gave me a bathing suit pic from last year, but it was not a great shot so hard to tell. I did buy a tankini this year! However, I am still not a fan of bathing suits. Maybe I will get brave and try to get a picture to post.
I am still enjoying exercise. This past 2 weeks I have been a little off my schedule due to working a lot more, but hopefully I can get back into a regular schedule once Julia is out of school.
Well, that is about it for me at the moment. Please keep praying for me. I see huge improvement, but also see the need to get back on my knees and work on my relationship with food again. I can see myself returning to old habits and sin.

long time no post

This is for Leslie W. who faithfully checks my blog and reminded me that I haven't posted in a long time.
I think the biggest reason is that I am struggling with the eating stuff.
I am still working out 5-6 days a week. That is going great.
I have gone on to phase 4 and over if there are other phases and basically ditched most of the fat smash plan. I don't want to ditch it, I am just a little bored with it.
I probably need a week of phase 1 to get me back in gear.
I am maintaining my weight. I am building muscle....you should see my arms...really, I will show you anytime. I am liking my arms. Paul tells me to quit looking at myself and feeling my muscles.
I am down to a size 8-10 depending on the clothing. I am happy with that, except for the fact that I have no shorts that fit. They all are falling off.
I would like to loose 5 more pounds, but will be okay if I don't.
I am afraid of getting too comfortable.
I am afraid the weight is going to come pouring back on.
I know this is forever, I am just having a hard time coming to grips with that.
I enjoy working out, but can't imagine working out 6 days a week for the rest of my life.
So, I will just keep on for now. Perhaps if I get motivated at some point I will go back to phase 1 and give it another go. I just can't imagine going back right now. I especially don't think I can give up coffee right now. It has really been helping my mood swings lately.
Anyway, I am rambling. But I wanted to give Leslie something to read tomorrow.

Day 105

Few days late posting...
I am back down to where I was...140 to be exact. I don't think I have actually posted my weight, but there you have it folks!
I am not really in any phase. I am eating pretty much what I want, just trying to make healthier decisions. I was getting pretty bored with the same old foods. I would like to go back to phase 1 for another time, but don't know when I am going to do that.
I am really getting more into the weights, so I think I need to proteins to help with muscle building. I can tell a huge difference in my body this week. I am building muscle in my arms. They are starting to have lots of curves - in a good way!
I am pretty happy with where I am at, but would like to keep toning and working on my abs. Man, the Pilate's thing is pretty tough. I don't know that any amount of work is going to get rid of the sagging skin from child birth. A tummy tuck would be nice!
Anyway, just wanted to check in with where I was. I need to watch my sugars. I am eating more of them and find myself craving St. Arbucks all the time!
Yes, the caffeine is what I am craving. I find from working out so hard in the mornings, by afternoon, I am super tired. The caffeine is helping me. I really need a short nap instead. That doesn't happen much these days.
Well....another week and I can't believe my days are in the 100's now~
I wish I had a before and after picture. I am starting to see the difference.

Day 97

I avoided posting on Sunday. It was weigh in day. The scale said I was up 2 lbs. I tried not to get discouraged about it. I do realize that my eating has been a little bit off. I also am taking into account that it was the beginning of my cycle.
I have tried to get back on track with eating. It is hard with all the munchies in my house!
I also had confirmation on Monday that I was ok. In my Yoga class, that I have been attending for almost a year....Monday 3 different people mentioned how great I looked and I had obviously had lost a bunch of weight. That made me feel better. It is funny though, this is the first time any of them had mentioned me loosing weight. I guess it was God timing!
I also started a Weights class on Saturday. I have been doing weights for about a year, and thought I was in pretty good shape. Well, she kicked my bootie on Saturday. My arms were not sore, but my legs were pretty ouchy over the weekend. We didn't even do weights on our legs just lots of squats and lunges. I know where I need to work now!
I had stopped doing weights on my legs because it was hurting my knee too much. The lunges really hurt my knee too, so I need to be careful.
I realized how much I really like working out. I never thought I would say that. I had even started thinking on Monday about maybe working towards being certified to teach Yoga. hmmmm.
It would just be great to get paid to do what I like doing. What a concept!
We shall see. I do see some great improvements in my body, lots more to go, but I am feeling like I am finally moving in the right direction - despite what the scale said this week.

Day 88 - back to Oatmeal for me

I had a really tough week. I realized that I have a few stressers in my life at the moment. I also gave into carbs and sugar. I feel really crappy physically at the moment.
God was good to me and the scale did not move at all, either way. I am happy about that.
I am going to try not to beat myself up and just jump back into things.
I realized when I have cereal (special K) in the morning instead of oatmeal, I tend to eat more and crave carbs and sugar more during the day.
So, back to oatmeal this week.
I don't want to feel defeated. I want to move on.
I will resist the wonderful cake sitting on my counter.

Day 81

Weigh in day....
25 lbs total!!!
This is a great mark to reach...
Only 5 more to go.

Day 80

It is fun to keep up with the days to see how far I have come.
I do believe I have accomplished a lot. Not just weight loss, but heart growth!
I believe that doing this was in obedience to God. I was a miserable person. I was so focused on weight issues that it clouded everything else in my life. I was sick and tired of every moment being down about over eating and being over weight.
I feel like for the first time I am not focusing on it. I don't think constantly about what could I go get out of the refrigerator and eat. This is where my freedom is.
On the flip side, I am starting to struggle with where is my balance. When I eat something that is not on the recommended list (or maybe even is, but I haven't been eating it) I start to feel a little guilty - even to the point where I feel like I have just gained back every ounce I lost - all with one bite!
I go to the Y almost everyday. I feel better when I do. I feel guilty when I don't.
Where is the balance in this? I know it is all a mind and heart issue for me.
I know I need to find my freedom truly in God and not in my physical.
I just don't know how to really get there without continuing this physical journey as well. I keep thinking I will arrive at a place where I really feel good about myself.
What number on the scale will that be?
I don't think I will ever find it. I have only one time in my life been thin - at 125 lbs when I got married. I had been dieting and working out several times a day and drinking unhealthy amounts of water to get there. Yet, I still saw a fat person in the mirror.
If I was talking to someone else and they told me these things I would suggest counseling. I know there is eating disorder written all over this.
Lord, please help me.

Day 75

Yesterday was weigh in day.....
I am down 5 more lbs. I am really happy about that. I think my goal is 7 more.
I keep changing my goal, but I guess I am allowed - it's mine!
I am feeling pretty good. I am happy about clothes being loose, but really need some new pants. Most of my pants are falling down and don't look real great because the bottom sags.
I never thought I would be complaining of them being too big!
I am craving bad stuff today. I did exercise. I got a salad from McDonald's today on the way home because I promised the kids. Man, their fries smelled sooooo good. I was dreaming about a quarter pounder with cheese and fries. MMMMMmmmmm. So I gave in and ate quite a few of Harrison's fries. I am feeling a bit guilty, but man were they good.
I guess that is where learning comes in. That it is ok to eat some bad things on occasion, just not everyday and not going overboard.
I just need to eat good the rest of the day.
Well, it is a rainy yucky day and I am in the mood to sleep. These are days when I wish I had no kids so I could just stay in the bed.
Another week down. Only the rest of my life to go!

Day 64 and starting over

I started phase 1 over on Tuesday. I can't believe how much better I feel already.
Sunday at church a guy talked about addictions and breaking free from things. I had already known that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I started this whole thing to work on that. 5 weeks into it I started feeling like hey I have beaten this thing...I am cured!!
HA! I fell on my face. I don't think I am going to cure myself. I know God is the cure. However, this has taken me 32 years to establish this problem, I don't think I am going to beat it in 64 days. I realize that this is a lifetime thing. I will probably always struggle. As long as there is food in the world I will struggle with wanting to eat it.
I do feel like this (fat smash plan) is the answer for me. I like eating healthier. I feel better physically and the weight loss is pretty nice too.
I also realize that this is a total God thing. I have to be spending time with Him on a regular basis to draw from his strength. I can't do thins thing on my own. When I started thinking that I was doing it, that is when I fell. I need God. I need his grace, mercy and forgiveness.