Sunday, January 28, 2007

Day 88 - back to Oatmeal for me

I had a really tough week. I realized that I have a few stressers in my life at the moment. I also gave into carbs and sugar. I feel really crappy physically at the moment.
God was good to me and the scale did not move at all, either way. I am happy about that.
I am going to try not to beat myself up and just jump back into things.
I realized when I have cereal (special K) in the morning instead of oatmeal, I tend to eat more and crave carbs and sugar more during the day.
So, back to oatmeal this week.
I don't want to feel defeated. I want to move on.
I will resist the wonderful cake sitting on my counter.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Day 81

Weigh in day....
25 lbs total!!!
This is a great mark to reach...
Only 5 more to go.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Day 80

It is fun to keep up with the days to see how far I have come.
I do believe I have accomplished a lot. Not just weight loss, but heart growth!
I believe that doing this was in obedience to God. I was a miserable person. I was so focused on weight issues that it clouded everything else in my life. I was sick and tired of every moment being down about over eating and being over weight.
I feel like for the first time I am not focusing on it. I don't think constantly about what could I go get out of the refrigerator and eat. This is where my freedom is.
On the flip side, I am starting to struggle with where is my balance. When I eat something that is not on the recommended list (or maybe even is, but I haven't been eating it) I start to feel a little guilty - even to the point where I feel like I have just gained back every ounce I lost - all with one bite!
I go to the Y almost everyday. I feel better when I do. I feel guilty when I don't.
Where is the balance in this? I know it is all a mind and heart issue for me.
I know I need to find my freedom truly in God and not in my physical.
I just don't know how to really get there without continuing this physical journey as well. I keep thinking I will arrive at a place where I really feel good about myself.
What number on the scale will that be?
I don't think I will ever find it. I have only one time in my life been thin - at 125 lbs when I got married. I had been dieting and working out several times a day and drinking unhealthy amounts of water to get there. Yet, I still saw a fat person in the mirror.
If I was talking to someone else and they told me these things I would suggest counseling. I know there is eating disorder written all over this.
Lord, please help me.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Day 75

Yesterday was weigh in day.....
I am down 5 more lbs. I am really happy about that. I think my goal is 7 more.
I keep changing my goal, but I guess I am allowed - it's mine!
I am feeling pretty good. I am happy about clothes being loose, but really need some new pants. Most of my pants are falling down and don't look real great because the bottom sags.
I never thought I would be complaining of them being too big!
I am craving bad stuff today. I did exercise. I got a salad from McDonald's today on the way home because I promised the kids. Man, their fries smelled sooooo good. I was dreaming about a quarter pounder with cheese and fries. MMMMMmmmmm. So I gave in and ate quite a few of Harrison's fries. I am feeling a bit guilty, but man were they good.
I guess that is where learning comes in. That it is ok to eat some bad things on occasion, just not everyday and not going overboard.
I just need to eat good the rest of the day.
Well, it is a rainy yucky day and I am in the mood to sleep. These are days when I wish I had no kids so I could just stay in the bed.
Another week down. Only the rest of my life to go!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Day 64 and starting over

I started phase 1 over on Tuesday. I can't believe how much better I feel already.
Sunday at church a guy talked about addictions and breaking free from things. I had already known that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I started this whole thing to work on that. 5 weeks into it I started feeling like hey I have beaten this thing...I am cured!!
HA! I fell on my face. I don't think I am going to cure myself. I know God is the cure. However, this has taken me 32 years to establish this problem, I don't think I am going to beat it in 64 days. I realize that this is a lifetime thing. I will probably always struggle. As long as there is food in the world I will struggle with wanting to eat it.
I do feel like this (fat smash plan) is the answer for me. I like eating healthier. I feel better physically and the weight loss is pretty nice too.
I also realize that this is a total God thing. I have to be spending time with Him on a regular basis to draw from his strength. I can't do thins thing on my own. When I started thinking that I was doing it, that is when I fell. I need God. I need his grace, mercy and forgiveness.