Day 80

It is fun to keep up with the days to see how far I have come.
I do believe I have accomplished a lot. Not just weight loss, but heart growth!
I believe that doing this was in obedience to God. I was a miserable person. I was so focused on weight issues that it clouded everything else in my life. I was sick and tired of every moment being down about over eating and being over weight.
I feel like for the first time I am not focusing on it. I don't think constantly about what could I go get out of the refrigerator and eat. This is where my freedom is.
On the flip side, I am starting to struggle with where is my balance. When I eat something that is not on the recommended list (or maybe even is, but I haven't been eating it) I start to feel a little guilty - even to the point where I feel like I have just gained back every ounce I lost - all with one bite!
I go to the Y almost everyday. I feel better when I do. I feel guilty when I don't.
Where is the balance in this? I know it is all a mind and heart issue for me.
I know I need to find my freedom truly in God and not in my physical.
I just don't know how to really get there without continuing this physical journey as well. I keep thinking I will arrive at a place where I really feel good about myself.
What number on the scale will that be?
I don't think I will ever find it. I have only one time in my life been thin - at 125 lbs when I got married. I had been dieting and working out several times a day and drinking unhealthy amounts of water to get there. Yet, I still saw a fat person in the mirror.
If I was talking to someone else and they told me these things I would suggest counseling. I know there is eating disorder written all over this.
Lord, please help me.