My journey to freedom

I am tired and fed up with the constant feeling of disappointment I have with myself. I always feel fat and worthless. I judge myself very harshly. I tend to think other people judge whether they will like me based on my physical "weight" appearance. I am also a miserable person to be around when I am overeating. I feel bad about myself and then I take it out on those around me. My kids get the brunt of it when I am in this stage. I am tired of then feeling like a horrible mother. The guilt comes, then the need to feed it with food. The cycle keeps going and going.
I know the truth spoken in the bible. Head knowledge and heart knowledge are two different things. I was having a very down day yesterday. My eating has been out of control. I have been gorging myself with wings, pizza, cheese cake and whatever else I can get in my mouth.
No wonder I have been packing on the pounds.
Well, because I have no control over myself when I have no plan....I decided to follow a plan to rewire my thinking about food. In addition to continuing to seek God and work on the emotional and forgiveness/grace side of things.
I just can't resist food right now.
So, I have decided to do the Fat Smash Diet.
I have never been an advocate of diets. They make me mad. However, two of my friends have been doing it and look amazing. So I am going to give it a try.
I am scared. I look at the food I am allowed to eat for the first 9 days and I panic. How on earth do I eat that way? How do I cut out stuff and continue to make meals for my family?
I decided to be proactive about it. I went to the store, bought a ton of vegetables, fruit, brown rice and beans. I made a huge pot of vege medley and brown rice and made up meals for me for the week. I think if I know I have a meal prepared it will make it easier to not snack on things I shouldn't. I also don't want to have to stress about what am I going to eat. I think I will make up a menu for myself for the week so I can stick to a plan and know exactly what I am going to eat when.
At the moment I feel like I can do this. I pray that God will give me strength. I have never done anything like this before.
I wanted to journal so I can process my feelings, but also have accountability and support.
If you are reading this, please pray for me. I need strength and wisdom.
I don't want to just do this to loose weight. I am about 20 lbs over weight and need to get it off, but I also want to find freedom from food. I don't want to obsess over it anymore. I don't want to run to food for comfort. I want to be free! I want my mind to be free to focus on Christ and my family. I want to be healthy and show my kids what life should be. I want to be who God made me and not what all the extra weight has made me.
So....Here I go.