How Did I get here?

I have not looked at this site in a long time. I re-read many of my posts. I find myself in a place where I don't feel like I have control over anything. Why do I long for control? I am working 40+ hours a week and don't have time to take care of me the way I want to. I don't have time to take care of my family the way I want to.
It is painful to me to think about.
It was easier to try to eat healthy and be more active when I wasn't working.
I know it isn't reality to be able to stay home the rest of my life.
But, how do I do both?
My weight is back up. I am not where I was when I started out, but close.
I don't think I look the same, as I am still working out and still have muscle and I am still healthier than I was 6 years ago.
Yet, I am struggling with about 25 lbs that I didn't have 2 years ago.
It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me depressed, it makes me want to eat!
Why is it the cycle? Why when you are depressed about being fat do you want to eat more?
Life seems too much sometimes.
I need balance, I need time, I need God.
I know that is probably in the wrong order.
I am not sure where I am going to go from here. I am trying to eat a little better, but I don't have a plan. I need a plan or I have already set myself up to fail.

Day 11

11:45 Apple, Granola Bar
12:30 smoothie
swimming
3:30 2 Tomatoes, with some cheese on it
Mojito - yes, another cheat
6:00 slice of regular pizza (another cheat, didn't even think about it when I started eating it!)

Finished 9 days

So I officially made it though 9 days! I am proud that I did it.
I was able to loose 7 lbs. In additon to that I feel better.
I know the truth about foods and how much they affect our emotions and overall physical being. Yet, why can I not stay away from the offending foods?
Because they taste sooo good!

I also experienced something this week that I had noticed in the past.
When you begin to change your eating habits, women around you don't like it.
They begin to say comments that can be hurtful. Like "oh look at her being good" or "she won't eat that anymore, well I will..." They talk about you like you are not in the room, yet you are standing right there. It is like you have left this overeaters club and now you don't belong. They talk as if you now don't understand what it is like to be overweight. I have learned not to take offense to it. I have probably done it as some point in time. I think it is a defense mechanism women take when they feel bad about their weight and see someone actually doing something about it. Women tend to act like they can't ever loose weight when in all actuality they just haven't tried. I know, I have been there many times...and will probably be there again.
It however reinforces to me the whole notion that when you overeat or eat things that are not healthy that you are bad. When you are heavier than the world thinks you should be, you are bad. These are the thoughts that I want to overcome. I want freedom from. Yet, even in the midst of loosing weight (again), those messages are still coming at me loud and clear from the people around me. People who love me and are my friends. I know they are not even aware of it, yet it speaks volumes of crap to me.

Day 10

7:30 Oatmeal
2 hours Walking
11:30 Smoothie
12:30 Vege Soup, granola bar
3:40 Yogurt
7:30 2 slices healthy pizza - crust made with oatmeal,
Mojito - ok, big cheat!

Day 9

7:00 Oatmeal, Banana, yogurt, blueberries
Walking
11:30 pinnaple coconut smoothie
12:30 Vege soup
3:15 Banana, yogurt
6:45 Brown rice, corn, green beans, zucchini

Day 8

7:00 1/2 c oatmeal, 1/2 cont. yogurt, banana
Walking
11:00 carrots, granola bar
12:30 Southwest Salad
3:30 Popcorn
7:00 corn
8:00 banana
9:00 2 bowls cabbage soup (just got done making it, had to try it...it was good)

Day 7

10:30 Oatmeal with blueberries
12:30 3 egg omelet with tomato/onion/basil
(not suppose to have whole eggs yet, but needed protein)
Walking
5:00 Yogurt/popcorn
8:00 Blueberries, banana
9:00 popcorn

Day 6

7:30 Banana
Workout
10:30 Oatmeal/Yogurt/strawberries/blueberries
1:30 Sweet Potato, grilled veges
5:00 Strawberry/blueberry smoothie, granola bar
7:00 Popcorn

Day 5

5:30 Workout
8:00 Oatmeal/yogurt/banana/blueberries
10:45 Banana
1:00 Grilled veges, plain sweet potato
4:30 Banana
5:15 1/2 c brown rice/veges, few bites zucchini pancake
Strawberry/blueberry/yogurt smoothie

Day 4

6:00 Workout
8:00 Oatmeal with Greek Yogurt (high in protien) and blueberries
11:30 2 grilled vege scewers, broccoli, plain sweet potato
4:00 2 Bananas, Decaf Green tea
6:15 leaf lettuce w/ tomato and dressing

I feel really good today. I can tell a difference having all the sugar and caffiene out of my system. Amazing the difference. Just wish I could stay here and not go back. That is what is frustrating. I know how I feel without it and yet, it is so hard to stay away from it. One taste of sugar and you are hooked again.

Day 3

6:45 Banana
Workout
9:30 Oatmeal with Strawberries/blueberries
water
12:00 Brown rice/veges watermelon
4:00 6 oz. yogurt
6:00 Zucchini, greenbeans, corn on cob
water
7-8:20 went walking

Day 2

5:45 Banana
6-7:15 Workout
8:00 1 c. oatmeal with Strawberries/Blueberries
11:00 6 oz. yogurt
12:00 1/2 c. brown rice/veges
4:00 Watermelon and 1/2 apple
6:00 Zucchini pancakes
8:30 Herbal Tea

Starting Over - Again! Day 1

It has been 2 years since I have posted on here. It is two years since I have decided I need a restart. I am to a place again where food has a hold over me. My eating has become destructive. It is hurting me physically and emotionally. It has to stop! I don't like the person I am when I am overeating. It is not the person God wants me to be. I need to blog in order to be serious. I can cheat when I am writing things down at home and no one sees. It is harder to cheat when I know people in my life are looking. So, here I go again! I decided to go back to doing Fat Smash. It works for me and I need the structure. So Today is Day one....

8:30 - 1 cup oatmeal with fresh strawberries and blueberries
Bike Ride, and yard work, Water
11:30 - Apple, Watermelon, 6 oz. yogurt, Water
2:30 - 1 Cup brown rice, banana, water
5:30 - 1 C. brown rice, vege mixture (onions,pepper,zucchini,tomato,mixed beans), water
7:30 - herbal tea

Day 13/14

Day 13
8:00 Ezekiel Cereal/banana/rice milk
12:00 Southwest Salad
4:00 Goat's milk yogurt
7:00 Onion/Tomato/spinach/black beans/corn
2 slices Ezekiel Bread
1 slice pizza (I couldn't resist,however it wasn't worth how I felt after eating it)

Day 14
8:00 Puffins cereal (wheat free)rice milk
workout
11:30 Tuna/mayo Nut-brown rice crackers, goats milk yogurt, banana
Walked a mile with the kids
3:00 Pineapple/banana/coconut frozen yogurt smoothie
3:30 8 nut-rice crackers
5:30 Rice chips/salsa/hummus, strawberry smoothie

Days 8 - 12

Day 8
7:20 Oatmeal (out of regular had to have instant)
Workout
1:00 Cabbage soup, pita chips/hummus
Sugar free, soy milk, decaf latte
Banana
3:20 Orange, 6 grapes
5:00 salad w/chicken and light sun dried tomato dressing
Orange
9:30 2 Bananas

Day 9
7:30 Oatmeal/Banana
Workout
11:20 Tuna/Mayo Pita Chips, Banana
Yard work
3:00 Pita Chips/hummus, orange
5:30 Cabbage soup, 2 oyster crackers
8:00 2 Chocolate chip cookies (thanks Debra!)

Day 10
7:30 Oatmeal
Workout
12:00 12 oz. Tuna/mayo, pita chips, Apple
2:00 4 pretzels, 1 chocolate chip cookie
4:45 strawberry/Banana smoothie
7:00 2 eggs, banana

Day 11
7:45 grapenuts cereal/rice milk/banana
Workout
11:15 cashews
11:45 various samples at Whole Foods store, p'nut butter cookie
1:30 Smoothie - strawberry/banana/protein (smoothie king)
5:45 Brown Rice crackers/6 oz. tuna/mayo
8:00 banana, hard boiled egg

Day 12
8:00 Ezekiel cereal/banana/rice milk
workout
11:00 rice chips/fresh salsa/hummus, 1/2 cup goats milk yogurt
4:00 cashews, 1 slice Ezekiel bread
5:00 rice chips/salsa/hummus, 1/2 cup goats milk yogurt (liked it so well at lunch I had it again!)

Day 4-7

Oops a little behind...

Day 4
7:15 Oatmeal/Banana
10:00 Apple
Cleaned (semi workout!)
1:00 Chicken Breast, 1 muffin, Strawberry/Banana Smoothie
4:00 2 oranges, handful cashews
6:00 salad with chicken breast, light sundried tomato dressing
1 muffin

Day 5
8:00 Oatmeal/Banana
Workout
10:30 cashews/4 blueberries
11:45 roasted chicken, orange, strawberry/banana smoothie
3:15 6 grapes/3 muffins
4:30 handful cashews
5:00 little soup (tasting during cooking)
7:30 Vege pizza (2 small pieces)

Day 6 (cheated and weighed - lost 6 lbs)
8:00 oatmeal/Banana
1:00 handful cashews (2 pita chips/hummus)
2:00 Cabbage soup
5:30 Beef brisket (with bbq sauce),baked apples, 4 fries
8:00 Lemon tea

Day 7
7:00 Oatmeal/Banana
Workout
10:00 handful cashews
12:00 Turkey Avocado Burger/ steamed broccoli
3:30 Lemon Tea
5:15 4 pita chips/hummus, Cabbage soup
8:00 Orange

Day 3

7:30 Oatmeal/Banana
10:30 Apple
9:30 - 12:30 Cleaning (not quite a workout, but a little)
12:30 6 oz. Tuna/1 tbs.mayo/orange/2 strawberries
2:00 cashews/Lemon herbal tea
2:45 2 Tiny oatmeal muffins (sugar free-healthy!)
5:00 1/3 grilled chicken breast/grilled squash/zuch/onions
8:00 3 tiny oatmeal muffins

Day 2

7:30 Oatmeal/Banana

9-10 Yoga
10-11 Weights

11:30 6 oz. Tuna/1Tbs Mayo (made with olive oil)
Carrots/Hummus
Orange
6 Cashew Nuts

2:00 Few Cashews/Banana
4:30 Apple
8:15 Grilled Salmon (little butter-dill sauce)/Broccoli/plain sweet potato

Starting to eat healthy again!

I haven't been feeling well lately and I have also gained a little weight back.
SO I have decided it was time to start again!
I am starting at phase 2 because I cannot cut out all the protein due to weight lifting. I contemplated not posting my food intake, but decided I needed to for the accountability.

7:45 am 1/2 c oatmeal
9:30-11:30 workout/water
11:45 apple
12:30 steamed veges/grilled chicken/water
3:00 orange
4:40 carrots/hummus/water
5:30 grilled squash/zuch/onion
8:00 grapes

Day 363/8

Day 8

8am- oatmeal
9:30 workout/20 oz. water
11:00 meatless chili and brown rice
12:30 banana
2:30 Cauliflower soup/4 brown rice crackers (soup does have cheese in it, but I was making it for tomorrow and had to taste it)
3:30 mini almond joy
6:30-7:30 6 ginger cookies
OK, so I blew it tonight. I didn't even want to post it, but I wanted to be honest.
I was really craving sweets today. I decided to have the almond joy because the Halloween candy has been staring at me all week. I caved. Then I baked cookies for tomorrow and I could not resist. I thought I would just have one and be o.k. NOPE, I had 6. You know you have to taste each batch to make sure they are good to serve to others. They are just amazing cookies and I couldn't help myself.
Hopefully that won't send me into a sugar spiral.