How Did I get here?

I have not looked at this site in a long time. I re-read many of my posts. I find myself in a place where I don't feel like I have control over anything. Why do I long for control? I am working 40+ hours a week and don't have time to take care of me the way I want to. I don't have time to take care of my family the way I want to.
It is painful to me to think about.
It was easier to try to eat healthy and be more active when I wasn't working.
I know it isn't reality to be able to stay home the rest of my life.
But, how do I do both?
My weight is back up. I am not where I was when I started out, but close.
I don't think I look the same, as I am still working out and still have muscle and I am still healthier than I was 6 years ago.
Yet, I am struggling with about 25 lbs that I didn't have 2 years ago.
It makes me sad, it makes me angry, it makes me depressed, it makes me want to eat!
Why is it the cycle? Why when you are depressed about being fat do you want to eat more?
Life seems too much sometimes.
I need balance, I need time, I need God.
I know that is probably in the wrong order.
I am not sure where I am going to go from here. I am trying to eat a little better, but I don't have a plan. I need a plan or I have already set myself up to fail.

Day 11

11:45 Apple, Granola Bar
12:30 smoothie
swimming
3:30 2 Tomatoes, with some cheese on it
Mojito - yes, another cheat
6:00 slice of regular pizza (another cheat, didn't even think about it when I started eating it!)

Finished 9 days

So I officially made it though 9 days! I am proud that I did it.
I was able to loose 7 lbs. In additon to that I feel better.
I know the truth about foods and how much they affect our emotions and overall physical being. Yet, why can I not stay away from the offending foods?
Because they taste sooo good!

I also experienced something this week that I had noticed in the past.
When you begin to change your eating habits, women around you don't like it.
They begin to say comments that can be hurtful. Like "oh look at her being good" or "she won't eat that anymore, well I will..." They talk about you like you are not in the room, yet you are standing right there. It is like you have left this overeaters club and now you don't belong. They talk as if you now don't understand what it is like to be overweight. I have learned not to take offense to it. I have probably done it as some point in time. I think it is a defense mechanism women take when they feel bad about their weight and see someone actually doing something about it. Women tend to act like they can't ever loose weight when in all actuality they just haven't tried. I know, I have been there many times...and will probably be there again.
It however reinforces to me the whole notion that when you overeat or eat things that are not healthy that you are bad. When you are heavier than the world thinks you should be, you are bad. These are the thoughts that I want to overcome. I want freedom from. Yet, even in the midst of loosing weight (again), those messages are still coming at me loud and clear from the people around me. People who love me and are my friends. I know they are not even aware of it, yet it speaks volumes of crap to me.

Day 10

7:30 Oatmeal
2 hours Walking
11:30 Smoothie
12:30 Vege Soup, granola bar
3:40 Yogurt
7:30 2 slices healthy pizza - crust made with oatmeal,
Mojito - ok, big cheat!

Day 9

7:00 Oatmeal, Banana, yogurt, blueberries
Walking
11:30 pinnaple coconut smoothie
12:30 Vege soup
3:15 Banana, yogurt
6:45 Brown rice, corn, green beans, zucchini

Day 8

7:00 1/2 c oatmeal, 1/2 cont. yogurt, banana
Walking
11:00 carrots, granola bar
12:30 Southwest Salad
3:30 Popcorn
7:00 corn
8:00 banana
9:00 2 bowls cabbage soup (just got done making it, had to try it...it was good)

Day 7

10:30 Oatmeal with blueberries
12:30 3 egg omelet with tomato/onion/basil
(not suppose to have whole eggs yet, but needed protein)
Walking
5:00 Yogurt/popcorn
8:00 Blueberries, banana
9:00 popcorn

Day 6

7:30 Banana
Workout
10:30 Oatmeal/Yogurt/strawberries/blueberries
1:30 Sweet Potato, grilled veges
5:00 Strawberry/blueberry smoothie, granola bar
7:00 Popcorn